Monday, May 10, 2010

A Modern GRIMM Fairy Tale - BP and the Seven Wharfs

Now, MeanMesa understands that comprehending all the "moving parts" of the Gulf oil spill might prove to be somewhat elusive to the information challenged visitor, we've taken the additional step, gone the extra mile, filled in the gaps -- you know -- to present a somewhat simplified version of the tale which should be accessible to everyone.  There seems to be a vast cloud of gaseous "almost true" PR rising over the otherwise pristine waters of the Gulf of Mexico, so maybe this fleeting visit to the famous 1937 children's tale will fill the bill.

The original tale of the Seven Drawfs placed them as non-union laborers in a minimum wage mine where they happily, grumpily, sneezily went about their perpetual duties supplying the Wicked Queen's coal fired power plant in Pascagoula.  Our new version places these same industrious little fellows all through the gigantic, international British Petroleum corporation, that is, all the way from the executive board rooms to the off shore rigs.

The poisoned apple?

In our updated version, the poison apple was an unexpected methane slug roaring to the surface in an otherwise nicely profitable,  very  cheaply constructed off shore exploratory rig.

 So, after the poison apple, did Snow White fall into a deep sleep?  Not exactly.

 Oh dear!  Who will save the day?  Why, the Seven Dwarfs, of course.  Now, the original Seven Dwarfs were industrious, minimum wage coal miners -- Dopey, Grumpy, DOC, Bashful, Sleepy, Sneezy and Happy.  However, we will need a slightly modified crew to handle this most recent disaster.

 The original, coal mining Seven Dwarfs

 Let's start by giving our industrious little fellows some NEW NAMES!  

"Drilley" - the dwarf, emboldened by the Palin-McCain "Drill Baby Drill" chorus line of the last election, decided that wells should be drilled in every possible place where there might be even so much as a single drop of oil.

"Ooopsy" - the dwarf who believes that off shore rig disasters are an "Act of God."  There's just "no tellin' whar one of them babies' gonna blow!"

"Blowey" - the dwarf who is totally invested in, uh, wind power.  Let's see, we have the rig BLOW OUT, the unpredictable, "Act of God" off-shore winds slowly BLOWING the mess onto the wet lands of some Southern states and the BLOW HARDS making every possible, frenzied effort to reframe the calamity into any other possible picture.

"Greedy" - the dwarf who decided to save half a million dollars by not installing the acoustic actuated blow out prevention valve down hole in the exploratory well.  "Greedy" is the genius who calculated the increased corporate profits which might derive from building a cheaper, "bargain basement" well.  OH my, WHO could a hard working dwarf hire to cut corners like that?  Maybe Halliburton of the Iraq Invasion fame?

"Slicky" - the dwarf who understands the advantages of being, well, oily both when it comes to "on the water" and corporate business.  Darn.  We all thought Bernie Madoff was as oily as anyone could ever get.  Guess not.

"Slushy" - the dwarf who likes "slush funds" and slushy Gulf Coast ocean water.  Observers on the scene tell us that it looks like a chocolate malt.  Humm.  MeanMesa wonders what else it might, uh, look like.

"Smelly" - the dwarf who is congested and "just can't smell a thing" because the Gulf Coast mess is made of "light, sweet crude," not the nasty kind that oozed out of the Exxon Valdez.  "Smelly" is also a good hand to have around when giant oil corporations are acting, well, a little smelly.

Finally, now that MeanMesa has erected the set, scripted the play and named the new characters, it's HOMEWORK TIME!  Below, you will find the lyrics for the original 1937 soundtrack -- this is the song that the dwarfs sang as they marched off to the coal mine.

Your job will be to modify these lyrics to create a nice "marching song" which might take a "bit of the bite" out of the disaster, so don't hold back!  Let those creative juices flow!

We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig in a mine the whole day through
To dig dig dig dig dig dig dig is what we like to do

It ain't no trick
To get rich quick
If you dig dig dig
With a shovel or a pick
In a mine (In a mine)
In a mine (In a mine)

Where a million diamonds

We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig from early morn to night
We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig up everything in sight

We dig up diamonds
By the score
A thousand rubies
Sometimes more
We don't know what we dig them for
We dig dig digga dig dig

Hi ho!
Hi ho!
Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho!

Hi ho, Hi ho
It's off to work we go
Hi ho, Hi ho, Hi ho

Hi ho, Hi ho
It's off to work we go
Hi ho, Hi ho
(more whistles)

Hi ho, Hi ho
Hi ho, Hi ho
Hi ho, Hi ho
Hi ho, Hum

Hi ho, Hi ho
It's off to work we go
Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho

ASCAP  #380035505

There's no business like show business!  
(Ignore the choking pelican...)

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