MeanMesa seldom hesitates when the opportunity for fiction drops from the sky, that is, fruit as sweet and ripe as the "low hanging fruit" in the Garden of Eden. Now, we can invite the muse again. What might a fly on the wall have heard -- conversation only, please -- from the Republican "love nest" on this first night of married bliss with the keys to the House of Representatives and a slowly warming jug of Rob Roys abandoned impatiently on the motel room desk?
The following, fictional account has been approved for all ages.
|Speaker of the House, John Boehner -( image source)|
The "Big Doin's" Where John Found Love
The Wedding Night at the Tea Bag Motel
"Oh, John. I still can't believe this is really happening. Here we are -- just the two of us. You, a big, strong Ohioan and me, an undeserving tea bag trollop. Now that we are officially married forever and ever, we may as well, you know, we may as well Biblically consummate this 'marriage made in heaven' so all the voters will know that we really do, in fact, love each other completely."
"Uh, of course. Yes, dear. It's, uh, time to start the family, I guess. Maybe I'll just have a quick smoke and another Rob Roy before we get, uh, lost in the passion of the, uh, moment."
"Why are you starting to sob uncontrollably, John? Isn't this the best day of your life?"
"Nothing to worry about, my dear. I always sob when things get, uh, passionate, darling. Where did I put my lighter?"
"Oh John. This is too intense. I can feel the aphrodisiac sensation of all this new power raging up inside me. It's making me flush. Oh God. Do I ever feel fecund. Just think. We're so powerful now that all we have to do is say something and it turns into reality. That's right, isn't it John? Why don't you finish that cigarette and your Rob Roy and sashay over here and finish me? I'm so ready. I'm going to melt. I can't wait another minute to start being powerful and fecund."
"I'm coming to get you right now, my little love muffin. What shall we, uh, 'turn into reality' first? I know that you want to read the Constitution out loud and repeal health care reform before we, uh, start. That's fine. In fact, while you're doing that, I'll have another Rob Roy and smoke a smoke."
"Darn. This Constitution is plum full of big words. Is there a dictionary in here, John? Do you have any chewing gum? I don't want to have a dry mouth when we start."
"I don't think so, honey. Let me take a look. Nope, there's nothing here by a Gideon Bible and few clean towels. But, hey, not to worry. Daddy brought a tape recording of the whole Constitution being read over Christmas carols by Justice Scalia. We can just listen to that while we're, uh, repealing health care."
"That will be great. Now, we've simply got to get down to business. Are you going to take off all those clothes? If you're not, I'm going to rip them off that big, manly House Speaker body with my teeth! Yahoo! Hello heaven and goodbye health care!"
Suddenly the motel room door bursts open. A somewhat confused man stumbles through it. He is wearing a cheap, Sears suit, wire rimmed glasses and scruffy brown shoes. His bald forehead is adorned with the green eye shade of a seasoned accountant.
"Damn, John. Who is that guy? Is this some kind of 'special surprise?' You devil! You're bringing in someone to watch us repeal health care! This wedding night is getting hotter and hotter by the second! Oh God, I can hardly wait another minute. What's his name? I mean, what should we call him?"
"That's PAYGO, honey. I wasn't sure that you'd like him. I met him in the House restroom at the close of the last Congress. I didn't actually invite him in to watch, but since he's here, I guess it's going to be okay as long as you think it might liven things up a bit."
"John, if you didn't invite him to watch, does that mean that you're thinking 'threesome? I'm not sure I'm ready for that this soon after getting married. I mean, this is our first night together. I thought we could just cut spending, repeal health care and turn things into reality all by ourselves here in our little love nest."
"My little sweet potato, that's kind of a problem. PAYGO here is going to require that we, well, pay for the stuff we are turning into reality as we go. Our problem is that repealing health care is going to cost quite a bit, and, since we don't want to increase the National Debt, we're going to have to figure out some way to pay back the difference before we can even send it to the Senate. The bill is going to run roughly $200 Bn. Did you bring any change?"
"John, couldn't we just hold the poor people for ransom like you guys did with the big tax cut for the rich? I mean, that worked out swell last time. All the extortion money to buy off the billionaires went on the National Debt. Why can't we add just a little more this time around? I promised all my grassroots tea bag friends that I was going to repeal health care no matter what."
"Sweetie, that would have been fine if everybody weren't watching, but you tea baggers got all the hill billies fired up during the campaign. Now, since they are all watching, some liberal press reporter is going to dump this right back into our laps before we can arrest him. We probably shouldn't press the health care repeal issue if we don't figure out some way to trick them first."
Sobbing, the tea bag trollop's mascara and false eye lashes began to form a soupy substance drooling down along her cheeks.
"John, I came to here to be soiled by the Washington establishment. I dreamed of being turned even trashier by my big, super manly Speaker of the House. Now, instead of being screwed by the Congressional insiders, I'm getting the cold shoulder from my new husband! I feel awful -- like I've just been used to get what you wanted. You don't even love me, do you?"
"Well, my little tea bag, there might be some truth in what you're bitching about now. I'm taking PAYGO out for a few drinks to see if I can soften him up a little. I still have the RNC credit card I took away from Michael Steele."
"But what about me? John, this is our wedding night! You're not just going to dump me to go get drunk with PAYGO are you?"
"Yeah, I am. Live with it. In fact, I'm going to try to convince PAYGO to fly down to the Caymans in my Exxon jet to relax and maybe meet some girls. Meanwhile, you can just get cleaned up and wait for me to come back. I may need you later when I sober up."