For the second of our entirely fictional, totally fabricated, MeanMesa "headlines," we join House Speaker John Boehner in his interview on a "soft ball" Sunday morning news show, MeanMesa Sundays With Matthew Chris (MMSWMC:), concerning Republican legislative efforts to spur job creation.
|Speaker John Boehner - image source|
MMSWMC:: "Thanks for agreeing to this interview, Speaker Boehner. Our viewers are very interested in hearing about what Republicans have done on the unemployment problem since taking the House in 2010. Most of the reporting on this has been done by FOX News, and this will be a great opportunity to speak to them directly. Perhaps I should tell our audience that, as of right now, you are not yet an employee of FOX News."
Boehner: (laughing) That's right. I'm one of the few Republicans who still has his old job. Still, just because I'm not a FOX employee, I want to assure you that I still plan to tell the truth here. You know, fair and balanced."
MMSWMC:: "Thank you for that, Speaker Boehner. Let's get right to it."
"Before the GOP swept the 2010 election, you told the American people that you were determined to work on 'Jobs, Jobs and Jobs.' For our talk tonight, I'd like to hear directly from you about all the legislation the House has passed in this first few months to ease the unemployment picture."
Boehner: "Well, to start with, all of us Republicans in the House are totally ready to make Barack Obama a one term President. That might be the most important 'job creating' effort we have planned right at the moment. We all realize that the American people have spoken, and that this is the single most important thing they have on their minds right now."
MMSWMC:: "Even the ones who are unemployed?"
Boehner: "That's right. Most of those people who are unemployed are simply waiting until the, uh, uncertainty in the economy has passed. Since President Obama has caused all the uncertainty, that means getting him out of the Oval Office is absolutely the first step toward the job creation we so desperately need."
MMSWMC:: "I know that Republican networks such as FOX News have already played no small part in that 'job creation' plan by promoting the Republican strategy with respect to the upcoming 2012 election, but do you really think that all these people looking for work are really all that interested in Presidential politics?"
Boehner: "Well, I think you have a point there. That's why we Republicans have introduced another reason beside unemployment for those unemployed Americans to be interested in Presidential politics. We've put a lot of work into the "Terror of the Deficit" campaign to soften them up a little and make it easier to get right to the business of 'job creation.' You see, Republicans are convinced that too much unemployment benefits and other 'safety net' stuff is just making Americans soft."
"By scaring the hell out of them with this debt ceiling debate and all the talk about the national debt, Republicans have set the stage for much more responsibility in the labor market. Americans agree with us that the best possible way to get unemployment down in the country is to cut spending. We've already managed to lower middle class wages and the purchase price on businesses being crushed by the economic downturn. That alone will allow 'job creators' to start buying businesses on the cheap and start hiring people right and left once Obama is out of the White House and the uncertainty is settled and deficit spending is eliminated."
MMSWMC:: "That's an ambitious plan, indeed, Mr. Speaker. Are you confident that this will work? For one thing, do you really think that Americans are buying this approach?"
Boehner: "Absolutely. See, we have to lower the national debt if we are going to get some good tax cuts for the 'job creators' after we take over the White House. The very best possible way to lower the national debt is to encourage all these unemployed people to work for a more sensible wage. With unemployment benefits and the other expensive, social safety nets out of the way, American workers will be lined up to take the new jobs we will have created for them."
"This Republican plan has worked before. If we can just get enough tax money out of the 'social safety net' business and into the hands of the 'job creators,' the country can return to the prosperity we all enjoyed during the last Republican President."
MMSWMC:: "But many Americans consider the way the Bush Administration handled the employment problem as the root of the crisis. The Bush Tax Cuts were intended to place money in the hands of the 'job creators' so they would start creating jobs. Instead, unemployment exploded."
Boehner: "Okay. We agreed before we went on the air that we weren't going to do any of those Palin 'gotcha' questions.' I'm referring to the last Republican President, Ronald Reagan. When Reagan cut taxes and balanced the budget, he was able to place a lot of the money he saved in the hands of the 'job creators,' and the 'trickle down' effect created a huge number of jobs. That was why he was the most successful and popular President in American history."
"Like I said, the Republican plan has worked before. That's why we're going to do the same thing this time. It always works."
MMSWMC:: (landing on his feet after fumbling with the 'new history') "But wait a minute. President Reagan raised taxes nine times during his Presidency while unemployment was sky rocketing. His budgets sent the national debt to a $ Trillion dollars for the first time. The other Republican Presidents after him has to raise taxes, too. The budget wasn't balanced until the Clinton Administration -- Democrats -- did it."
"However, I'd like to remind you that we wanted to talk about the House Republicans' efforts to ease the unemployment crisis we're facing now. What kinds of legislation have the House Republicans proposed to ease unemployment?"
Boehner: (blustering between false sobs) "See, you're throwing everything but the kitchen sink into this interview. All kinds of weird liberal history stuff. I'll quote John McCain from his 2008 campaign. 'You are entitled to have your own opinion, but you aren't entitled to have your own facts.' When you say things like that, it confuses the American people. Everybody knows that the Republican Party is the choice that lowers deficits and the national debt and brings lots of good jobs to the American people."
"And that is exactly the reason why cutting Social Security and Medicare benefits is the very best 'job creating' strategy right now. Republicans want to get this economy back on its feet as fast as possible -- right after Obama loses the election. The debt is unsustainable, and that's why there aren't enough jobs out there. The money which needs to go to 'job creators' is being sucked dry by all these out of control social programs."
"That's the strategy behind the Republican House legislation to create jobs."
MMSWMC:: "Okay, we seemed to have moved a little off track. We really wanted to go through the specific pieces of legislation that the Republicans are moving through the House to confront the unemployment crisis. Maybe we could spend a minute or two going through the list of Republican bills aimed at the unemployment problem."
Boehner: "See, this is why I don't like interviews full of these 'drive by' questions and tricks. The House Republicans know that making Obama a one term President is the right course for us right now if we want the unemployment to go down. That's a simple fact. The next fact is that Social Security and Medicare are going to wreck the country if we don't cut the spending. That's a simple fact."
"That explains the legislative efforts of the House Republicans. It doesn't matter if you just keep asking the same questions a dozen different ways, Matthew. Facts are facts. That's the Republican strategy to get the economy back on its feet and create jobs."
MMSWMC: "Thank you, Mr. Speaker."