Sunday, March 4, 2012

Annual Breakfast at the Oligarch Club

 A MeanMesa Fiction

We have carefully placed ourselves in the annual Restoring Oligarchy Business  Enterprise Management breakfast -- often referred to simply as "ROB-EM!" -- to get a glimpse of the proceedings.  Carefully disguised as minority food servers, nicely fitted out with slightly stained, ill fitting tunics and gloves, we successfully insinuated ourselves into the line of workers entering the hall's kitchen in the early hours.

Now, finally, all the guests were seated and served.  The "ROB EM!" annual meeting was beginning.

[A MeanMesa note:  It's always the plan to include a bit of graphic relief to postings like this one, but "Google Images" is so full of oligarch cartoons that it was hard to make a good selection.  So, what's in place here are just a few to lighten the atmosphere.]

A "ROB EM!" Vision for Our Future

The wizened old key note speaker of the program was hobbling along on a cane as he slowly made his way to the podium as a hushed quiet began to fill the meeting room.  The meeting's Super PAC host, an eager looking young paranoid lawyer from the processed meat industry, hesitantly tapped on the microphone, smiling as the audio system dutifully responded with corresponding, loud bursts of static.

"I'd like to introduce our guest speaker, Senator Bite Ansnatch!  The Senator has served in the US Senate for four decades before retiring to a lobbying job for our petroleum associates  Senator Ansnatch was elevated to the Oligarch Club's Golden Ox Club last year when he met the elite Golden Ox Club's membership requirement of exceeding a seven digit tax deduction on his personal portfolio."

"Before I turn the microphone over to our guest, I would like to remind those attending that several of you have not yet submitted your genealogy records, reportable income filings and deduction schedules to the Sergeant at Arms.  I don't need to remind anyone of the importance of keeping up our high standards for blood line requirements and tax dodging merit points for Oligarch Club membership."

"Now, without further delay, I am pleased to welcome Senator Ansnatch!"

Senator Bite Ansnatch (image source)

There was a cordial, yet clearly reserved applause.  Most of the members attending were cautiously looking to either side as they made the perfunctory gesture.  Old Senator Bite Ansnatch moved to the microphone.

"Thank you, thank you all very much.  I want to welcome everyone to the annual breakfast meeting where we update our 'ROB EM!' projects  and look over the progress we've made in the last year.  The standard form for presentations in these meetings is a topic by topic run down of what we're working on, how we're doing and where we're going.  So let's get started."

"We all know what a great success our 2008 'bubble bursting' exercise turned out to be.  With the $ Trillion in cash we got from tax payers -- who, believe it or not, still liked it while it was going on -- our big boys have made some serious money.  When I look around at the closed luncheons of the Golden Ox Club, I see new faces -- faces like your faces who finally made the big jump into heritage sized portfolios."

Phase One of the Ten Year Plan (image source)

"Our Golden Ox investor class was ready to go when the hit came.  They had already prepared a list of companies and corporations to snap up for a dime on the dollar. They managed to 'absorb' pension funds right and left, break labor contracts in managed bankruptcies and already, they've managed to squeeze back years of increases in wages and benefits.The profits from all this hard work are now pouring in to protected accounts!"

"You all know that this is an interactive speech that I'm giving, so let's say a word or two to the losers living on a pay check.  'Hey, lunch box, if you wanna' earn a living...' "

The Senator smiled broadly, signalling for participation as he lifted his hands to the crowd.  Suddenly, the room was filled with enthusiastic voices, all parroting the same cheer.

"Then you hafta' work for us!" 
 the crowd roared in unison.

The $Tn Super Emergency Stimulus Worked Great! (image source)

"The good work our 'ROB EM!' legislative branch did on the health care reform has produced record profits, too.  Medicare is still paying whatever we say for $ Billions of dollars worth of pharmaceutical crap.  The private health insurance business emerged from the Black Man's 'reform' nonsense more profitable than ever."

"Let's hear it for Big Health Care. 'Hey poor people, if you wanna see a doctor...' "

"Then you hafta' deal with us!"  
the crowd roared in unison.

There were cheers and guffaws as the audience settled back into their seats.

"I also have good news on the foreclosure front."  The old speaker continued.  "You are all familiar with our 2004 ten year plan to take possession of 40% of the real estate in the country.  Well, we're well on our way!   Sure, we've had to burn a few Arabs and Chinamen, but, believe me, there's more where those came from, and, heh heh, they're all just as greedy and just as dumb as the last bunch!"

"Mortgage rates don't mean anything if you don't have any cash!  We've not only taken possession of the houses, we've wrecked their credit rating!  From now on all these losers will have pay interest the way we like it.  So, once more, I can say 'Wanna own a house?' "

"Then you hafta' deal with us!" 
 the crowd roared in unison.

"Our 'ROB EM!' legislators have also done some very good work promoting the deregulation of everything!  Working with our media division, they've been able to boost all the 'hard times' and damage that Washington regulations are inflicting on all of our 'small businesses.' "

The crowd burst into a cruel but raucus sort of vicious laughter at the words "small businesses," causing the speaker to wait for calm before continuing.

"All those whiny parents with the coughing children may be screeching at the Congress, but, heh heh, we don't hear 'em!  We don't have to!  So, 'Poor people.  If you live downstream from a hog ranch, and your water tastes funny, you're out of luck unless you can pay for something better!  You want clean water?' "

"Then you hafta' deal with us!"
 the crowd roared in unison.

"In fact, all you poor people, if you're having problems because our natural gas division is fracking under your garden, you may be able to stop it, but if you don't like it... "

"Then you hafta' deal with us!"
 the crowd roared in unison.

"And, to all those poor people stupid enough to listen to our radio stations, idiots who still want to pick our candidate for us -- got that? They want to pick our candidate! -- just eat the dog food, fools.  We've picked a perfectly good candidate already!  Our election fraud division has been hard at it, doing the job they get paid to do.  We're splitting off Democratic Party voters right and left, we in there fixing ballots until late in the night when people vote the wrong way and we fixing up the news stories when they get it wrong."

Job Creators HAVE TO BE well fed to make the magic. (image source)

"Not many folks in our base are complaining about this.  They know that we have their best interests at heart."

Again, the old Senator had to wait for the audience's wild laughter to subside.

"But those other folks haven't got the lesson yet!  Our media division is covering 88% of every word broadcast in the country, and yet, some of them -- probably high school graduates or some other kind of liberal smartalecks -- are still suspicious.  It doesn't matter.  All I can say to all those whiners is 'If you wanna elect a President...' "

"Then you hafta' deal with us!"
 the crowd roared in unison.

Although the speaker had clearly fired up this audience, he was beginning to get tired.  He slumped forward, very professionally, to appear more accessible.  His talk migrated smoothly to an image of the kind words of an elderly uncle.

"Now, I realize that you folks here for breakfast are not yet members of the dynasty crowd I'm with when I go to a Golden Ox function, but you've all made a good start.  You couldn't have gotten in here if you didn't report a seven digit income on your tax return.  However, you all have to realize that your goal is to have a seven digit figure in the deductions slot!  Once that happens, you're in with the big boys!"

"And, believe me, once you're in with us, you're really gonna' start making money."

The crowd cheered again.  Some of the breakfast goers raised their hands, showing a fist with a copy of their tax returns.  Others were now standing on their chairs, screaming.  Dreaming.

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