To: Owners of the US Republican Party
c/o Goldman-Sachs, Building Security
200 West Street
New York City, New York
Subject: Heartfelt Apology and Urgent Request
to Allow Appointment of a Secretary of Defense
|Did you get the letter? (image source)|
We have purposely addressed this letter as anonymously as possible because we have concluded that placing any specific names on the envelope, a tragic mistake we have made in the past, might only increase the difficulties we have thoughtlessly caused you already. Consequently, we have taken the liberty of simply depositing this envelope very quietly on the side walk leading up the doors of the New York G-S Headquarters building in the hopes that building security will forward it to you.
First, we would like to offer our most sincere apologies for our recent actions, most notably the horribly wrong manner in which we cast such a majority of our 2012 election votes. By way of an explanation we can offer only this woefully inadequate account. During the election we were led to believe that we would be electing the candidates we voted for on our ballots, and that those candidates, once elected, would be in charge of running the government.
What were we thinking?
That was just wrong on our part. There is absolutely no possible way to excuse what we have done.
Now that the smoke has cleared a bit, and our cooler sides and common sense have once again begun to control our thoughts, we realize that we were deceived. Oh sure, there were election majorities for Democrats in the House and Senate, but how -- and why -- did we so incorrectly assume that you would allow the elected candidates to impair your own completely legitimate, free enterprise, patriotic, liberty, business agendas?
So, please accept our apology. We are good people at heart, and we were just swept away by the deceptions and misdirection of the Democratic campaign -- all those false promises and all that utterly unacceptable ideology.
Why, in fact, there isn't a single rebellious bone in my body. I, for one, never wanted to be defiant or unruly at all.
Just like most Americans we want to serve you in every possible way, and we feel absolutely horrible about casting all those ballots for candidates whom you couldn't ever possibly have approved.
It was an honest mistake. It really was.
Now, having all this out of the way, there remains one small matter with which you could really help. We realize that you and your friends are very much invested -- of course, quite legally and legitimately, I must add right here -- in the multi-national sorts of business and investments which are beyond the understanding of people of my own class.
Because of this, I'm sure that you've all taken whatever steps were necessary to protect your own assets and investments. However, for the rest of us, there is still the very small matter of our national security -- a concern which could be made much more comfortable if you were to allow us to have a Secretary of Defense.
It's no surprise that one of those candidates we so wrongly supported, in this case, President Obama, has offered up a nominee who is completely unsuited for your own needs in terms of military procurement and profitable foreign military adventures. Naturally, you issued orders to your Senators to stop this mistake before it caused any dents in your profit and loss statements.
Since that nominee cannot become Secretary of Defense and run the Pentagon, we were hoping that you would slip the name of an acceptable corporate alternative to the President. In this way, both of our concerns could be met with the very least amount of confusion.
As compensation for this kind act, all the signatories on this letter pledge -- on our sacred honor, of course -- to always vote for your candidates from now forward. We fully understand how seriously you take such a promise, so don't worry a bit -- we've got your back on this one.
Thank you all very much.
MeanMesa and friends